Struggling and being honest about it…

As Christian’s we see so many putting on facades and masks. Pretending that all is well in their world while struggling in silence and behind closed doors…alone.
I for one am tired of wearing the masks. I’m tired of pretending that I am more than human. I’m tired of painting on a smile when deep down the pain and hurt are real and it takes the very breath out of me.
How can we heal if we continue to “Fake It Until We Make It?”
I am a believer in Christ. I am a Christ follower. I struggle in my faith and in my walk. What does this mean? Does it mean because I struggle that it makes me any less of a Christian or any less saved? I don’t believe that to be the case.
If we look at Scripture, we can see that Moses struggled in his faith, Peter struggled in his faith, Job struggled, David, and many more. It didn’t make them any less Christian, but it did make them real and people that we could relate to.
Sadness, grief, loneliness, depression, they are all oh so real, and I for one am no longer willing to Fake it until I make it! It’s a nice little slogan, but it’s the very thing that can cause someone to commit suicide while they struggle in silence alone.

Hi, my name is Tasha and I am struggling. I Love the Lord, but I am struggling with reading His Word and praying. Sometimes the only thing that comes forth from my lips is “Jesus”. Sometimes I can’t say anything at all and the tears hold all of my words.

I’m struggling with depression. Depression over the loss of my marriage, depression that I am in a state I don’t want to be in and the lack of funds and job security to get to where I want to be. Depression that my son, my only son, just spent his first Thanksgiving alone, not by his choice, but by the choices I made.

I’m struggling with anger. Anger that I have no control over circumstances at times. Anger towards God for not changing things the way I think they should go. Anger that even when He sees us making the mistakes and knows we are willingly falling into pitfalls, He does not steer us out or away from them.

There are days I don’t wish to get out of bed. Days when it takes everything within me to even brush my teeth. There are days when my emotional eating doesn’t stop or days when I don’t eat at all.

I am human. It doesn’t change my standing with God. I am still saved and still a Christian. Even in taking off the masks, I know that God is still God and in control. He is the Master Painter of the masterpiece portrait of my life. He said in this world we would have troubles. Christianity does not negate the fact that we are a fallen people residing in a fallen world. Even when I’m struggling with depression, don’t want to do life, or can’t bring myself to utter a prayer or read His truths, He is still God, He is still good, and He is still for me. His best for me is still THE best for me. No matter what I want, I still don’t see as BIG as He sees for me. My desires, wants, dreams, hopes, are still small and in a box, compared to what He has in mind for me.

My Addiction…

It’s been months since I’ve indulged. Months since I’ve lost myself in it. What am I referring to? Sewing.
Yes, sewing is my addiction. I have serious withdrawal symptoms when I cannot sew on a regular. I haven’t sewn a stitch since mid June and that seems like it was a lifetime ago. I quilted a baby blanket and burp cloths for a friends new grandson.
I’m not a partier, I don’t go to clubs, I don’t care to go to others homes for hours upon hours. What I can do and enjoy doing is sitting behind my sewing machine for hours, sometimes 8 or more in a day. If I could do it for a living I would. I can’t explain the joy and tranquility I feel when I’m sewing. I get lost in it. I do some of my best praying while sewing. Some of my best ideas and creativity take place while I’m sitting behind my sewing machine and sewing.
Who knew I would enjoy it so much? I first sat down at a sewing machine while in high school. We were required to take a certain number of electives each year. I wanted to take auto and home ec. They wouldn’t let me take auto, so I took art and home ec. Come to think of it, I should have insisted on auto and home ec like I wanted…I can’t change a tire to save my life. I failed art…yes, I sure did. I can’t draw, sculpt or paint to save my life either. I can make a bad stick figure though!!! After my first semester in home ec, I was hooked. I took home ec for the remainder of my electives from Sophomore to graduation. In fact, the last semester of my senior year I was told I had taken all the classes I could for home ec and I cried. I did not want to have to go to another elective. So my final semester I actually worked as the home ec teacher aid and thus that was my first job. I probably would have gone to school to be a home ec teacher, but it wasn’t long after graduation that they discontinued home ec as an elective in high schools. (Now it’s back and it’s called life skills)
We learned the basics of sewing and then for our semester assignment we had to make a jumper. It was best and worst of times. LOL
I chose the jumper pattern and then picked out my fabric. I was so proud of what I had chosen. I soon learned that another classmate had chosen the exact same patter and the exact same fabric as I had chosen. It would not have been so bad had she not discontinued to be my friend weeks before that. There were mistakes and all but I was so proud of that jumper. I made it myself and wore it to school on the selected day to model and get graded. I only wore it that one time however, because ya know kids can be extremely cruel. She wore hers several times….need I say more?
I never looked back at another sewing machine again. Vowed I would never even entertain the thought. However, that was short lived. About 13 years ago, my husband bragged and bragged about his mother making all their clothes and curtains and such. I so wanted him to beam with pleasure about things I too could make for our children and home. I also thought it would be a good money saver to make me and the children’s clothing since we were a one income family. So a year later I asked for a sewing machine for Christmas. I was so intimidated by it that it stayed in the box for an entire year. It wasn’t until after my husband left and I was jobless and pinching pennies that the Lord brought a few women into my life and they helped me over come the fear of my sewing machine. What they didn’t tell me though, was that it would take practice and that I’d make many outfits that were not fit for wearing before I had anything worth wearing outside the home and not feeling embarrassed about it. I gave up on sewing clothes and opted for making home decor and quilts.
A year ago I had a desire to learn to sew my own clothing again. So much so that I joined an online sewing class by Mimi G, Sew It Academy. I got through the first 3 courses and I haven’t sewn anything since. Not because I’m intimidated, but I just didn’t have the finances at first and then when I did, I made the biggest mistake by moving back to Texas and haven’t sewn ANYTHING since. It’s really not an easy feat when you are living with other people and can’t really set up your things the way you would like or need them to be. So, I’ll be shipping it all back to Virginia and saving money to make my move back to Virginia as well.
Let me tell you, sewing is my addiction and I can’t wait to get back behind my sewing machines, all 5 of them!!!